In the brief moment of an introduction, both people have created (whether they know it or not) a construction of the other in their minds – made up of their gut instinct, past experiences and small bits of truth – all wrapped up into a stereotyped persona. For some, this first impression is the only one you ever get. Your every action from that point on will be squeezed into this mold they’ve created, regardless of all evidence to the contrary.
Therefore… the first meeting is a pivotal time to send the right subconscious cues – choose your words carefully and say them with the right tone, display a welcoming body language, etc. But most of all – don’t fuck up the handshake.
Too many people think handshakes are a perfunctory gesture, basically, a prelude to the real business of getting to know someone. Let me offer this to the contrary: The handshake is the physical first impression. This is the first time you are touching somebody, breaking through the rather firm boundaries of personal space we set up for ourselves at all times. This handshake carves through the conscious mind like a knife, deep into a primal part of the brain, telling the other person you are not a threat, you can be trusted and that your character is firm and welcoming. Or it does the exact opposite. It all comes down to how you shake.
A proper handshake involves three things:
- Posture
- Eye Contact
- Grip
Two fatal mistakes can be made before you ever touch. You definitely aren’t meeting me at my level if you don’t get out of your chair. So stand the fuck up. When you reach and shake my hand you have to look me in the eye, as that is the moment you whisper directly to my subconscious whether you are trustable or don’t care about connecting with me.
As for the shake itself – if you shake limply, I will perceive you as weak; if your grip is too strong, I could perceive you as strong OR I might perceive you as a threat. So you want to be squarely in the middle, responding to their grip.
Whether it is rational or not, my perception of you in this brief exchange may stay like that forever. So don’t fuck up the handshake.
Pro Tip: Cultural Norms Change the Rules
I have no idea what the customs are in other countries. I’m sure there are places where you are better off slapping a person in the face while farting on their wife than shaking their hand. I only know the U.S.. There are communities even in liberal NY who won’t shake a woman’s hand. And the further south you go, the firmer your grip should be. It’s like southern guys all started fist-crushing walnuts in kindergarten. So adjust to fit your environment.
Update 2024 – I stand by this. The fact that you may rarely get to see people in person anymore only makes this interaction that much more important when you do. It is an easily practiced skill and I don’t know why so many people just haven’t figured this one out.