My best friend used to work at a brokerage house, peddling shit stocks over the phone to stupid people. I remember visiting his office once. The energy was insane. Guys were pacing around with their phones, holding baseball bats, unbuttoning shirts…. As a relatively calm person, I asked my friend what the fuck was going on.
He said, in short, they do it because it works. His exact words, which I subsequently found to be true was this pearl of wisdom: “You can feel emotions over the phone.” They needed the human on the other side of the line to feel excitement and pressure. Their pacing, the swinging of a bat, the getting progressively more naked…. The sellers got a boost, the buyers would get affected, which would then fuel the exchange even more.
I’d find out later that this phenomenon is not just well known but also comprehensively studied. When you smile on a phone call, it is perceived by the person on the other side. Try it – you’ll be surprised how effective it is.
I’d like to argue the same is true for emails and texts. If you are angry at someone when writing something down – that tone is conveyed between the lines. And while in the moment you may want that tone to come through, this is a very bad idea.
Written messages are permanent and can’t be walked back. They will carry your current feelings in that moment and stay like that forever. They can be a record of your pettiness, overreactions, and misunderstanding. Long after you’ve worked through the issue, they still remain a monument to you being a prick.
So here is the simplest advice:
- Write what you want in the moment but don’t send it. Whatever you do, don’t put an email address in the “To:” field. If it is a text – type it to yourself.
- Sit on it until the next day. If you still feel the same, go and send it (you won’t feel the same, so this advice is pointless).
- If you absolutely must send a response right away – find someone you trust to read it for you first. They’ll know a lot faster if you are going to regret it.
Sidebar…
This is probably the most obvious advice in all of the Code. But let’s be honest – how many times have you done this? How many times have you seen others do this? Feelings can get the better of us in the moment. So next time, really try to take yourself out of the moment. Go for a walk or something.