Lot’s of people say that “honesty” is the key to a good relationship. This is false. You introduce me to a guy who is “honest” in his relationship, and I’ll introduce you to his crying, insecure wife. And vice versa – I don’t want my wife to tell me how she would love to bang my kid’s Brazilian swim coach. I need to be able to trust that she won’t.
Actions are more important than words, and likewise, trust is more important than honesty. In your career, you need to be trusted to do a good job. People trusting you is integral to getting the job done. To maintain trust, you need to say the right things the right way. Whether those words are completely honest or not needs to be weighed against your ability to maintain their overall trust.
You get caught lying – that breaks down trust and isn’t good (+1 to honesty). You reveal maybe you aren’t really trustworthy in the first place… That’s game over (-1000 to honesty).
This is all too hypothetical though.
Let’s say you have a great meeting about financial models for an upcoming release/feature/product-line code named “Ultra”. A month later, an SVP sends you this:
Hi Pro,
I know we had a great discussion around Ultra licensing. I don’t remember the action items or follow ups needed after that. Did you note them down? Are there any updates or questions that I should bring up with the Exec team and BoD tomorrow?
Thanks,
Guy Who Can Fire You (GWCFY)
You fucked up. Its been a month since the meeting. Of course, you have no notes.
Here’s where an ultra-ethical non-Pro might opt for honesty and start their reply with something like – “As I remember…”
This is a mistake.
Whether you have a good relationship with GWCFY or you have limited interactions – all GWCFY wants is reassurance they can trust you to provide the information they need when they need it. Your honesty is admittal you took no notes (incompetent) and that you are recalling crap from memory (inaccurate and speculative). How could this person trust anything you wrote? Worse, how will they trust you moving forward?
The Pro, by contrast, starts with “From my notes…”
And then they will write up meeting notes as if it just happened. Like when your highschool English teacher asked you to keep a dream journal and you made them all up the day before it was due, switching pens so they couldn’t tell.
Is this honest? No. But what’s done is done and they aren’t going to get any better information at this point. Sabotaging their perception of you isn’t going to help anyone moving forward. Trust me, they aren’t going to read the honest email and think “I’m so glad they told the truth.” They’ll think, “I need to have a talk with this fuck-up’s boss.”
Pro Tip:
A solid extra touch is to close with something corrective and ever so slightly aggrandizing (as opposed to outrightly apologetic). Maybe… “P.S. – Normally I send all notes immediately after the meeting. This won’t happen again.”
—————–
Editor’s note, Feb 2, 2024
This has been a source of many, many debates since I wrote it a decade ago. It cuts to the core of ethical positions that people strongly adhere to. I maintain my belief that honesty is not as important as trust. Everyone I met who say they don’t lie either find ways to avoid telling the truth, over disclose constantly, or have no problems hurting people in service of this idealized greater good.
This is not to say I don’t endorse honesty – its usually the right way to go. I practiced 3 months of radical honesty, in both my home and work life. Frankly, it was liberating. I get the appeal. You are truly living your simplest life. Yet… after it was over, my wife made it clear to me I’m never to do that again. Make of that what you will.
Tempered honesty is the smart way to go.